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| Foreword | |
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| Acknowledgments | |
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| Hollywood: The Land Where Pygmies Think They're Giants Because They Look So Darn Big on the Movie Screen | |
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| Reviewing Movies I Haven't Seen | |
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| In Defense of Hollywood | |
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| The Horror! | |
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| Hollywood: Land of the Useless Idiots | |
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| Football, Baseball, and the Movies | |
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| Sure, Give Us Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses, But Must They All Be Mexicans? | |
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| My Good Neighbor Policy | |
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| Dear Congressman | |
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| In Defense of Fences | |
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| The United States of Mexico | |
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| Time to Wake Up and Smell the Salsa | |
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| A Legal System That's Downright Criminal | |
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| A Capital Idea | |
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| Being Guilty Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry | |
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| Prelutsky for the Prosecution | |
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| The Case Against Lawyers | |
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| Crime and No Punishment | |
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| Those Poor, Poor Perverts | |
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| Roe V. Wade V. Prelutsky | |
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| Toot, Toot, Tookie, Goodbye | |
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| Q: What Do Islam and the Bubonic Plague Have in Common? A: Just About Everything | |
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| Allah Be Appraised! | |
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| Islam Is a Riot | |
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| A Modest Proposal | |
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| How to Make Hitler Look Good | |
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| Sandbox Sermons | |
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| French-Fried Politics | |
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| Flotsam and Jetsam | |
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| Lions and Tigers and Reds...Oh, My! | |
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| Bargain-Rate Bribes | |
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| The Not So Noble Prize | |
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| Dollars and Sense | |
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| Mass Hysteria Is Hysterical | |
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| The Star-Mangled Banner | |
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| Dissecting Frogs | |
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| A Plea to Unendow the Arts | |
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| In Praise of Oil | |
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| India Has Its Sacred Cows, We Have Our Sacred Bulls | |
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| The Wedding Wars | |
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| Anchors Aweigh | |
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| Pride Goeth Before A Parade | |
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| Unfortunately, Long After Moses Parted the Red Sea, There Remains a Sea of Jewish Reds | |
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| Some of My Best Friends Used to be Jews | |
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| Jews and the Evangelicals | |
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| The Jewish Grinch Who Stole Christmas | |
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| The Christmas Grinch Revisited | |
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| A Few Very Good Men | |
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| The Anti-Military Militants | |
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| A Hero's More than a Sandwich | |
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| In Harm's Way | |
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| War: The Ultimate Scapegoat | |
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| Disarming Our Troops | |
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| The Curse of Being Black: Having Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Charles Rangel, Cynthia McKinney, and Louis Farrakhan Speaking on Your Behalf | |
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| Wanted: Role Models (Only Blacks Need Apply) | |
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| It's Black and White | |
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| "She's Not Heavy, She's My Ho" | |
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| Profile This! | |
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| Diversity, Schmiversity | |
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| Reflections on Reparations | |
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| A Bit More Flotsam | |
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| A World Gone Mad | |
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| It's Time to Evict the U.N. | |
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| Gripes and Grievances | |
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| Just Call Me "Rip Van Prelutsky" | |
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| Guns and Sons of Guns | |
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| 101 People Who Are Screwing Up America | |
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| Denying the Holocaust | |
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| Not So Sweet Charity | |
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| Squaring Accounts | |
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| Thank You, Andrew Carnegie | |
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| In a Certain Light, The Fourth Estate Looks Like a Fifth Column | |
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| Have You Ever Noticed that Rooney Rhymes with Goony? | |
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| All the News that Fits | |
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| Tonight: TV's Worst Interviewer...Tick, Tick, Tick | |
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| Those Who Can, Teach; Those Who Can Indoctrinate, Get Tenure | |
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| The Dumbing Down of Academe | |
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| Putting Tenure on Trial | |
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| A Word to the Wise and the Not So Wise | |
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| A Party that Includes Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, John Kerry, Robert Byrd, Michael Moore, Howard Dean, Al Franken, George Soros, and Jimmy Carter Is My Idea of a Wake | |
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| Conservatives Are from Mars (Liberals Are from San Francisco) | |
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| Voices from the Left | |
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| He's Not Heavy, He's My History Book | |
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| Doing Away with the Poor | |
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| Full of Bluster | |
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| In This Corner, Wearing Brass Knuckles, Susan Estrich | |
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| If Only Clinton Had Been a Republican | |
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| Are Liberals Really Lemmings | |
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| Judging the Judges | |
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| McKinney Rhymes with Ninny | |
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| The Descent of Liberals | |
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| I've Got No Big Secrets! | |
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| Why Dogs, Not Liberals, Are Man's Best Friend | |
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| Liberals and Other Phonies | |
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| The Most Obnoxious Group in America | |
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| Psychoanalyzing the Loony Left | |
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| Still More Jetsam | |
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| Pooh-Bahs and Moolah | |
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| China: Least Favored Nation | |
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| Happy Cesar Chavez Day | |
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| The Usual Suspects | |
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| Moms Make Lousy Dads | |
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| A Few Immodest Proposals | |
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| Generation Gaps | |
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| Sex in America | |
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| Down with the Independent Voter | |
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| The Two Americas | |
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| My Life, and Welcome To It | |
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| Proud to Be a Conservative | |
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| Marijuana and Me | |
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| Red Sheep | |
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| Long Night's Journey into Day | |
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| A Few Things I Neglected to Say | |
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| The Flag and Me | |
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| Bargaining with the Devil | |
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| Elegy, 1969 | |